How to vent anger without making it worse
Last updated . Written by the Vent Now team. Vent Now is built with a licensed therapist on the team.
Say what happened once, in plain words, then do something that calms your body down. That's the kind of venting that helps with anger and frustration. Replaying it at full volume, punching a pillow or ranting until you're hoarse feels like release, but studies consistently find it keeps anger going. 1 2
If you need somewhere to say it right now, Aspen, the AI companion in Vent Now, is there at any hour. .
If you might hurt yourself or someone else, call or text 988, or call 911 now.
Does venting anger help or make it worse?
The idea that anger builds up like steam and needs releasing is old and intuitive, and it doesn't hold up. In a well-known 2002 study, people who had just been insulted hit a punching bag while thinking about the person who insulted them. They ended up angrier and more aggressive than people who sat quietly. People who hit the bag while thinking about getting fit did no better than the ones who sat quietly. 1
A 2024 review pulled together 154 studies with more than 10,000 people. Activities that rev you up, including running, cycling and hitting a bag, did nothing on average to reduce anger. Activities that calm your body down, like slow breathing, relaxation and mindfulness, reliably did. 2 Exercise is still good for you over time. It just isn't a reliable off switch in the moment. A federal anger management manual from SAMHSA, used in clinics, lists "venting anger is always desirable" as one of its myths about anger. 3
That doesn't mean you should keep it in. Putting a feeling into words helps. In a brain imaging study, naming the emotion on an angry or frightened face reduced activity in the amygdala, the brain's alarm system, and naming your own feeling ("I'm furious") likely works the same way. 4 The difference is between saying it and rehearsing it. Saying it once, clearly, gets it out of your head. Going over and over what they did and what you should have said feeds it.
How to vent anger in a healthy way
These come from cognitive behavioral approaches to anger and from SAMHSA's anger management program. 3 Pick one. They work best if you practice them when you're calm, so they're there when you're not.
Rate it and name it
The SAMHSA program uses a 1 to 10 "anger meter" so people can catch anger while it's still a 4 instead of an 8. 3 Putting the feeling into words may also take some of the heat out of it. 4
- Ask yourself, "Where am I from 1 to 10?" As a rough rule, anything over 6 is a sign to slow down before you act.
- Name what's underneath in one sentence: "I'm angry because I feel disrespected" or "I'm angry, and under it I'm scared."
- Notice the early signs that come before your bigger reactions: a hot face, a clenched jaw, talking faster. Those are your cue next time.
Slow your breathing down
Anger speeds up your heart and breathing. Slow breathing, with a longer breath out than in, is one of the calming activities that lowered anger across the research. 2
- Breathe in through your nose for a count of four.
- Breathe out slowly through your mouth for a count of six.
- Keep going for two or three minutes (about six breaths a minute).
- Notice your shoulders and jaw. Let them drop on each breath out.
Take a timeout with a return time
Leaving before you say or do something you regret is one of the core tools in anger management. 3 The return time is what makes it a timeout and not a walkout.
- Agree on a phrase ahead of time with the people you live with, like "I need a timeout. I'll be back in 30 minutes."
- Say it and leave the room. Don't add a parting shot.
- Don't drive, drink or use anything while you're on a timeout.
- Spend the time on something that calms you: a slow walk, a shower, slow breathing. Replaying the argument in your head keeps you just as angry.
- Plan on at least 20 minutes. Couples researcher John Gottman's work suggests the body takes about that long to settle after a heated argument. Then come back when you said you would.
Check the story you are telling yourself
Anger runs on a story about why someone did something. Testing that story before you act on it is a standard part of treatment for anger. 5
- Write down the thought driving the anger, word for word: "She ignored me on purpose."
- Ask, "What else could explain this?" and come up with at least two other possibilities.
- Ask, "What do I actually know, and what am I guessing?"
- Decide what you want to happen next, not just what you want them to feel.
Write it out, then wait before you send anything
Writing about what you feel, privately, can help you make sense of it. 6 Messages sent at an 8 out of 10 are the ones you're most likely to regret.
- Write the whole thing somewhere it cannot be sent by accident, like a notes app or a notebook.
- If it is a message to someone, wait at least an hour, or until the next morning.
- Read it again and cut anything that is about punishing them rather than solving the problem.
- If it still needs saying, send the shorter version or say it in person when you are calmer.
Who should you vent to?
Pick someone who helps you cool down, not someone who adds fuel. A friend who agrees with everything and gets angrier on your behalf can leave you both more worked up. Researchers call going over a problem again and again with someone co-rumination. In studies of young people it made friendships feel closer but went along with more anxiety and low mood. 7 Tell the person what you want from them, like "I just need to say this" or "tell me if I'm being unfair," say it once, and then move toward what to do about it.
What if the anger is at your kids?
Almost every parent yells sometimes, and feeling furious at a child you love is common. What matters is what you do next. Repair counts more than perfection: calm down first, then go back and say something like, "I yelled, and that wasn't okay. What happened still matters and we'll talk about it, but you didn't deserve to be yelled at." Kids learn how to handle anger partly by watching how adults recover from it.
If you're worried you might hurt your child, or you're losing your temper with them most days, get support before it escalates. The National Parent and Youth Helpline (1-855-427-2736, call or text, 24/7) talks with stressed parents without judgment, and Childhelp (1-800-422-4453) is there if you're worried about a child's safety, including your own child's.
What if the anger is at a partner?
Arguments are normal. Fear is not. If you have pushed, grabbed, hit or thrown things at a partner, threatened them, or they seem afraid of you when you're angry, that is past the point where better venting is the answer. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) talks with people who are worried about their own behavior, not only people who are afraid, and can point you to intervention programs. Couples therapy is usually not recommended while there is abuse in a relationship, so start with individual help.
If you're the one who is afraid of an angry partner, the same hotline is for you, any time.
Can anger be a sign of depression or something else?
Sometimes anger is the most visible part of something underneath it. Irritability is a common symptom of depression. In teens it can be the main sign, and some men notice anger more than sadness. Anger and irritability also come with anxiety, trauma and PTSD, ADHD, bipolar disorder, chronic pain, sleep loss, hormonal changes such as PMDD or perimenopause, head injuries, some medications such as steroids, and alcohol or drug use.
If you have been unusually short-tempered for weeks, or the anger came on with other changes in sleep, mood or energy, talk to a doctor too, not just work on your temper.
When to get more help
Anger on its own is a normal emotion. It is worth getting professional help if any of these are true:
- You have hit, pushed, grabbed or thrown things at someone, or broken things in anger.
- People close to you seem afraid of you when you are angry.
- Your anger keeps costing you jobs, friendships or relationships.
- You often drink or use drugs when you are angry, or your anger is worse when you do.
- You have been irritable or low most days for two weeks or more.
- You have thoughts of seriously hurting someone or yourself. If that is true right now, call or text 988, or call 911.
A therapist who uses cognitive behavioral therapy for anger is a good place to start. It has the most research behind it, and reviews find that structured anger treatment helps most people who stick with it. 8 Your doctor can also check for things that drive irritability, like depression, sleep problems or medication side effects.
If you are in crisis right now
Vent Now is not therapy and not a crisis service. If you might hurt yourself or someone else, or you are not safe, reach a person now.
- In the US, call or text 988, or text HOME to 741741.
- Call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788, 24/7, whether you are afraid of someone or worried about your own behavior.
- National Parent and Youth Helpline: Call or text 1-855-427-2736, 24/7, for parents and caregivers under stress.
- Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: Call or text 1-800-422-4453, 24/7, if you are worried about a child's safety.
- Outside the US, findahelpline.com lists free crisis lines by country.
What this can look like with Aspen
Someone has just come out of a meeting where a coworker presented their work as his own. They want to send an email to the whole team right now.
An illustration written by the Vent Now team, not a real user's conversation. Aspen's replies are generated by AI and will differ.
You: Mark just presented my analysis to the whole team like it was his. I'm writing an email to everyone right now.
Aspen: That's a real reason to be angry. Before you send anything, where would you put it right now, from 1 to 10?
You: Like a 9. My hands are shaking.
Aspen: Then let's not hit send at a 9. Try a few slow breaths with me first: in for four, out for six. Write the email in your notes app if you want, all of it. Just not in your inbox yet.
You: Okay. Did the breathing. Maybe a 7. I still want everyone to know he stole it.
Aspen: That makes sense. What's under the anger, if you had to name it in one sentence?
You: I feel invisible. I worked weekends on that and nobody's going to know.
Aspen: Working weekends and having someone else take the credit is a real loss. Of course that stings. Is it more about getting credit for the work than about Mark looking bad?
You: Yeah. Honestly, I just want my manager to know it was mine.
Aspen: Then what's one thing that would get you that?
You: Probably telling my manager directly. With the files that show the dates.
Aspen: That goes after what you actually want, without a fight in front of everyone. Want to draft what you'd say to your manager, then read it again once you're calmer?
How Vent Now fits
Vent Now gives you somewhere to say the angry version first, at any hour, before you say it to the person. You can ask Aspen, the AI companion in the app, to walk you through rating the anger, slowing your breathing and working out what you actually want to do. Aspen remembers context from past conversations, so you can ask whether this is the same thing that set you off last week.
It has limits. Aspen is not a therapist and can't help in a moment of physical danger. If your anger has turned into hurting or scaring people, you need a person, not an app.
Your conversations are encrypted with a key unique to you and processed by AI providers to generate replies. They are never sold or used to train AI. If our safety system flags an account, our team may decrypt and review it. The privacy policy has the details. Vent Now requires a subscription.
Common questions
Do rage rooms work?
They can be fun, but there's no good evidence they reduce anger. Smashing things is a high-arousal activity, and in the research those don't calm anger on average. 2 If you go, treat it as entertainment, not as a way to manage anger.
Is screaming into a pillow okay?
It won't hurt anyone, and a single scream can release some tension. It isn't a calming tool, though, for the same reason hitting a bag isn't. If you scream, follow it with something that brings your body down, like slow breathing or a slow walk.
Does exercise help with anger?
Regular exercise is good for mood and stress over time. In the moment, intense exercise like running or a hard workout didn't reduce anger on average across the research. 2 A slow walk, stretching or something gentle is a better bet when you're already angry.
Can I vent to an AI about anger?
Yes, if it helps you slow down rather than wind up. The useful version is saying what happened, naming the feeling and working out what to do. If you notice you're replaying the same story and getting angrier, stop and use one of the calming skills above.
Sources
- Bushman (2002), Does Venting Anger Feed or Extinguish the Flame?, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin
- Kjærvik and Bushman (2024), A meta-analytic review of anger management activities that increase or decrease arousal, Clinical Psychology Review
- SAMHSA (2019), Anger Management for Substance Use Disorder and Mental Health Clients: Participant Workbook
- Lieberman et al. (2007), Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli, Psychological Science
- American Psychological Association, Controlling anger before it controls you
- Pennebaker (1997), Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process, Psychological Science
- Rose (2002), Co-rumination in the friendships of girls and boys, Child Development
- Saini (2009), A meta-analysis of the psychological treatment of anger, Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law