Talking about grief: what helps when the loss keeps coming back in waves

Last updated October 11, 2026. Written by the Vent Now team. Vent Now is built with a licensed therapist on the team.

Talk about the person and the loss as often as you need to, and let yourself step away from it too. Grief tends to swing between missing someone intensely and getting on with daily life, and moving between the two is part of grieving, not a sign you're doing it wrong. ¹

If you need to say their name out loud right now, you can say it to Aspen, the AI companion in Vent Now. .

If you might hurt yourself or someone else, call or text 988, or call 911 now.

Is there a right way to grieve?

No, and the best-known model is part of the problem. The five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) came from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's observations of dying patients, not from systematic studies of bereaved people, and there's little evidence that grief follows them in order. Grief researchers Margaret Stroebe, Henk Schut and Kathrin Boerner have argued the stages should be dropped altogether, partly because expecting them can make people who don't follow them feel they're grieving wrong. ²

A better-supported description is Stroebe and Schut's dual process model. It says grieving people move back and forth between two kinds of work. One is facing the loss: crying, remembering, missing them. The other is rebuilding: paperwork, new roles, a life that looks different now. Moving between them, and taking breaks from both, is part of healthy coping, not avoidance. ¹

Grief usually comes in waves, often set off by reminders: a song, a smell, a date, their name on a piece of mail. Over time the waves tend to come further apart, and most bereaved people adjust without professional treatment. ³ Good moments show up too. Laughing at something, or having a decent day, sits alongside grief for most people and doesn't mean you loved them less. ³

What helps on the hard days

None of these speed grief up, and they aren't meant to. They make it more bearable and keep it from getting stuck.

Make room for grief, and for rest from it

The dual process model treats breaks from grief as part of coping well, not a failure to grieve. ¹ Getting stuck on either side, all tears or all busyness, is what tends to wear people down.

Notice which side you've been on lately: mostly loss (crying, photos, replaying their last days) or mostly busy (numb, avoiding reminders).
If it has been mostly loss, plan something ordinary and absorbing today: a walk with a friend, cooking, a show you can get lost in.
If it has been mostly busy, set aside 20 minutes to look at a photo, write to them or visit a place you shared.
When a wave hits at a bad moment, step out if you can, breathe slowly and go back when you are ready.

Keep a bond with the person

Many people keep an inner relationship with someone who died: talking to them, keeping rituals, carrying their values forward. A review of 79 studies found these continuing bonds can bring comfort and help people rebuild meaning and identity, and can also bring distress for some, so notice which way it works for you. ⁴

Write them a letter about what has happened since they died, or what you didn't get to say.
Keep one ritual: their recipe on their birthday, a walk on the anniversary, a toast at the holidays.
If a reminder comforts you, keep it close. If it pulls you into hours of distress every time, change how often you go to it.

Plan ahead for the hard dates

Reminders are what set off the strongest waves, ³ and birthdays, anniversaries and holidays are reminders you can see coming. Deciding ahead of time takes some of the dread out of them.

List the next few hard dates: their birthday, the anniversary of the death, the first holidays without them.
Decide how you want to spend each one: with people, alone, doing something in their honor, or something completely different.
Tell one person what the date is and what you would like from them that day.

Turn offers of help into specific asks

Rebuilding tasks, like bills, meals and new responsibilities, are part of grief too, and they're heavy. ¹ Most people who say "let me know if you need anything" mean it but don't know what to do.

Keep a running list of concrete jobs: meals, school pickups, calls to the bank, sorting a room.
When someone offers, give them one item from the list.
Let big decisions, like selling a house, wait until you are past the first months if you can.

How is grief different from depression?

Grief and depression can look alike: crying, poor sleep, low energy, pulling back from people. A few differences help. In grief, the pain tends to come in waves tied to reminders of the person, and it can sit alongside warm memories and moments of laughter. In depression, low mood is more pervasive, it's hard to feel anything good, and feelings of worthlessness are more common. ³

The two can also happen together. If low mood, hopelessness or loss of interest have been there most of the day, nearly every day, for two weeks or more, talk to a doctor, whether or not grief started it. ⁵ Being bereaved doesn't mean depression has to be waited out.

What if grief isn't easing at all?

For most people, grief stays but becomes something they can live alongside. For some, it stays as intense as the first weeks and keeps them from living their life. The DSM-5-TR calls this prolonged grief disorder. It can be diagnosed in adults when it has been at least 12 months since the death (6 months for children and teens), with intense yearning for the person or preoccupation with them nearly every day, plus symptoms such as feeling part of yourself died, strong disbelief, avoiding reminders, numbness or feeling life has no meaning. At least three of these need to be present nearly every day for the past month, disrupt daily life, and go beyond what's expected in your culture or faith. ⁶

The American Psychiatric Association estimates that 4% to 15% of bereaved adults develop it. ⁶ There are specific treatments. In a randomized trial, a treatment designed for complicated grief helped about half of participants, compared with about a quarter who received a standard talk therapy. ⁷ You don't need to wait for the 12-month mark to ask for help if you're struggling.

Some losses carry extra weight. People bereaved by suicide or an overdose often face guilt, unanswered questions and stigma on top of grief, and they're at higher risk themselves. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has support specifically for loss survivors. ¹² Teens grieve too, often in bursts and often privately; the Dougy Center has resources written for them.

Grieving a miscarriage

Miscarriage is common. ACOG, the professional organization for OB-GYNs, says early pregnancy loss happens in about 10 of every 100 known pregnancies, and that about half of early miscarriages happen because the embryo doesn't develop properly, often because of an abnormal number of chromosomes. ⁸ ACOG is direct about the rest: working, exercising, stress, arguments and sex don't cause miscarriage, and in almost every case it isn't the fault of the person who was pregnant. ⁸ If you're blaming yourself anyway, the facts may not switch the feeling off, but they give you something true to answer it with.

The grief is real even if few people knew about the pregnancy, and it often includes the loss of a future you had already started to picture. In a small London pilot study, 28% of women who responded screened positive for probable post-traumatic stress a month after an early loss. ⁹ In a larger study by the same team, 7% of partners did at one month, compared with 34% of women, ¹⁰ and ACOG notes that partners may grieve differently from each other. ⁸ Saying out loud what each of you needs helps more than guessing.

Look after your body as well. ACOG says to call your doctor right away after a miscarriage if you have heavy bleeding (soaking through more than two maxi pads an hour for more than two hours in a row), fever, chills or severe pain. ⁸ If the bleeding is very heavy, you feel faint, or the pain is sudden and severe, call 911.

Anxiety in a later pregnancy is common: a meta-analysis found higher anxiety and depression in pregnancies after a loss than in other pregnancies. ¹¹ ACOG notes that most people who have an early loss go on to have successful pregnancies. ⁸ Tell your OB-GYN or midwife about the earlier loss and agree on which symptoms mean you should call, because searching symptoms at 2am rarely gives the reassurance you're after. Postpartum Support International runs online support groups for pregnancy and infant loss.

If you haven't been seen by a doctor yet and have bleeding with pain on one side, shoulder pain, or feel dizzy or faint, get emergency care, since these can be signs of an ectopic pregnancy.

When to get more help

Grief isn't a problem to fix, and intense grief in the first months is expected. Reach out to a professional if any of these are true:

It's been a year or more (six months for a child or teen) and the yearning or preoccupation is as intense as at the start and keeps you from daily life. ⁶
You've had low mood, hopelessness or loss of interest nearly every day for two weeks or more, especially with feelings of worthlessness. ⁵
You can't sleep, eat or work for weeks at a time.
You're drinking or using more to get through it.
After a pregnancy loss, you have heavy bleeding, fever, chills or severe pain. Call your doctor now, or 911 if it is severe. ⁸
Wishing you could be with them is common in grief. If it turns into thoughts of ending your life, call or text 988 now.

Look for a therapist with grief training. Many hospices run bereavement groups open to the wider community, and your doctor can check for depression or sleep problems. After a miscarriage, your OB-GYN or midwife is the first call for physical symptoms and can refer you for emotional support.

If you are in crisis right now

Vent Now is not therapy and not a crisis service. If you might hurt yourself or someone else, or you are not safe, reach a person now.

In the US, call or text 988, or text HOME to 741741.
Call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: Call or text 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262), 24/7, in English and Spanish, for pregnant and postpartum people and their partners and families.
Postpartum Support International: Call or text the HelpLine at 1-800-944-4773 and a trained volunteer returns your message. It is not a crisis line. PSI also runs online pregnancy and infant loss support groups.
Dougy Center: Grief support and resources for children, teens and young adults, and the adults supporting them.
Outside the US, findahelpline.com lists free crisis lines by country.

What this can look like with Aspen

Four months after their father died, someone is dreading his birthday and isn't sure whether to keep a family tradition.

An illustration written by the Vent Now team, not a real user's conversation. Aspen's replies are generated by AI and will differ.

You: My dad died four months ago. Everyone's back to normal and I'm not. His birthday is Sunday and I'm dreading it.

Aspen: I'm sorry about your dad. Four months is still very recent, whatever everyone else is doing. What's the dread about Sunday, mostly?

You: We always got breakfast at the same diner on his birthday. I don't know if I should go or avoid it completely.

Aspen: There isn't a right answer. When you picture going, what comes up? And when you picture skipping it?

You: Going, I'd fall apart in the booth. Skipping feels like I'm erasing him.

Aspen: Both of those sound true. Is there something in between? Going with someone, getting takeout from there, or going on a different day?

You: Maybe with my sister. She keeps asking to do something for him.

Aspen: Then neither of you has to hold it alone. What would you want the morning to be about?

You: Telling stories about him, I guess. He told the waitress the same terrible joke every year.

Aspen: What was the joke?

You: Why did the scarecrow win an award. Every year. She'd laugh like it was new.

Aspen: That sounds worth telling on Sunday. Do you want to plan the rest of the day too, so the afternoon doesn't sneak up on you?

How Vent Now fits

Grief doesn't keep office hours, and the people around you may have gone back to normal while you haven't. Vent Now gives you somewhere to talk about the person, tell the same story again, or get through a wave at 3am. You can ask Aspen, the AI companion in the app, to help you plan for an anniversary, write a letter to the person who died, or work out what to say to family. Aspen remembers context from past conversations, so you don't have to explain who they were every time.

It isn't grief counseling or therapy, and it isn't the place for medical questions after a miscarriage. If grief has stayed this intense for many months, or you're thinking about ending your life, a person needs to be involved: a doctor, a grief therapist, or 988.

Your conversations are encrypted with a key unique to you and processed by AI providers to generate replies. They are never sold or used to train AI. If our safety system flags an account, our team may decrypt and review it. The privacy policy has the details. Vent Now requires a subscription.

Common questions

How long does grief last?

There's no deadline. The 12-month mark in DSM-5-TR is a threshold for diagnosing prolonged grief disorder, not a date by which you should be over it. ⁶ For most people the waves come further apart with time, ³ though they can come back at milestones like weddings, graduations and anniversaries for years.

Is it normal to sense or hear the person who died?

Some bereaved people report sensing a presence, hearing a voice or feeling they've glimpsed the person, and a review of continuing bonds research counts experiences like these among the ways people stay connected to someone who died. ⁴ For many it's comforting. If it's frightening, constant, or comes with other unusual experiences, mention it to your doctor.

What should I say to someone who is grieving?

Say the person's name, tell them a memory, and make a specific offer ("I'm dropping dinner off Thursday"). Skip "everything happens for a reason," "at least" and comparisons to your own losses. Keep checking in after the first few weeks.

Can I grieve someone I had a difficult relationship with?

Yes, and it's often more confusing. Relief, anger, guilt and sadness can show up together, along with grief for the relationship you never had. Writing an honest letter to them, including the hard parts, is one way to put that somewhere.

Is it normal to grieve this hard for a pet?

Yes. A pet is often part of your daily routine, your home and your sense of being needed, so losing one can hit as hard as losing a person, even when people around you treat it as smaller. The same things help: saying what you miss, keeping a ritual, and letting the waves come.

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