Low self-esteem: how to talk back to the voice that says you are not enough

Why do I keep comparing myself to everyone?

Comparing yourself to others is a normal way people work out how they're doing. The trouble is who you compare against. Social media is built out of other people's best moments, which pushes comparisons upward. In one study, people who used Facebook more often had lower self-esteem, a link the researchers traced to more exposure to upward comparisons. In a follow-up experiment, looking at a profile with signs of an active social life and healthy habits lowered people's self-esteem in the moment compared with looking at a less impressive one. ⁷

Cutting back may help. In a three-week experiment, 143 college students were randomly assigned either to limit Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat to 10 minutes each per day or to use them as usual. The limited group reported less loneliness and depression. ⁸ It was one small study of students, so treat it as encouraging rather than settled.

Easy changes to try:

• For a few days, notice which accounts or people reliably leave you feeling worse. Mute them. You can unmute later.
• Set an app time limit on your phone rather than relying on willpower.
• Swap one scrolling session a day for direct contact: text a friend instead of watching their stories.
• Compare yourself with where you were a year ago, not with someone else today.
• When envy shows up, ask what it points to. "I envy her new job" can be useful information about what you want.

Is perfectionism just having high standards?

Researchers separate two parts of perfectionism. Perfectionistic strivings means setting high personal standards. Perfectionistic concerns means fear of mistakes, worry about how others will judge you, and never feeling that what you did is enough. A review found that strivings tend to go with positive traits, as long as they are not tangled up with heavy concern about mistakes and judgment. ⁹

Concerns are the part that hurts most. A meta-analysis of 284 studies found both parts linked to symptoms of depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder and eating disorders, with concerns generally the stronger link, ¹⁰ and an analysis of college students in the US, Canada and the UK found perfectionism rising between 1989 and 2016, most of all the sense that other people expect perfection. ¹¹ The good news is that it responds to treatment. In a meta-analysis of 15 randomized trials, CBT for perfectionism, including self-help versions, reduced perfectionism and symptoms of depression, anxiety and eating disorders. ¹²

Try one small experiment this week. Before you start a task, write down what "good enough" looks like and set a time limit. Then turn something in at what feels like 90 percent and note what actually happens. Procrastination is often perfectionism in disguise: not starting is a way to avoid finding out the result is imperfect. If perfectionism has moved to food, weight or exercise, that is a reason to talk to someone soon; ANAD is listed in the crisis box below.

What's wrong with "just stay positive"?

Toxic positivity is a popular phrase, not a research term. It describes the pressure, from other people or from yourself, to look on the bright side and keep negative feelings out of sight. The research that's closest to it is about expressive suppression, which means hiding the outward signs of what you feel.

People who habitually suppress their emotions report less positive emotion, more negative emotion, poorer relationships and lower well-being than people who don't, though those findings are correlations and don't show suppression is the cause. ¹³ In lab conversations about upsetting topics between pairs of women who had just met, people told to hide their feelings communicated less well, built less rapport, and raised their partner's blood pressure. ¹⁴ On the other side, people who tend to accept their negative feelings and thoughts rather than judge them report better psychological health, partly because they react less strongly to everyday stress. ¹⁵

None of this means expressing every feeling to everyone. It means that habitually hiding or judging feelings tends to go with worse outcomes. Looking for another angle, which researchers call reappraisal, is linked to better well-being, ¹³ and it fits best after a feeling has been acknowledged, not instead of it. If someone keeps pushing the bright side, you can say: "I'm not ready for the silver lining yet. I just need you to hear that this is hard."

Why does rejection hit me so hard?

Rejection sensitivity is a studied personality trait: a tendency to anxiously expect rejection, to see it quickly in ambiguous situations, and to react strongly when it seems to happen. In the research that defined it, people high in rejection sensitivity read hurtful intent into ambiguous or thoughtless behavior from new partners, and both they and their partners ended up less satisfied with the relationship. ¹⁶

"Rejection sensitive dysphoria," or RSD, is a term you'll see a lot online, especially among people with ADHD or autism. It was introduced by psychiatrist William Dodson from his clinical experience. It isn't a diagnosis in the DSM-5-TR or ICD-11, and it has little direct research behind it. A 2026 critical reflection on the term recommends that clinicians use the established concept of rejection sensitivity instead. ¹⁷ None of that makes the pain less real. If you have ADHD and this is a big part of your life, bring it up with your prescriber or therapist.

When it hits, separate what happened from what it seems to mean. "She replied 'can't tonight'" is what happened. "She's done with me" is the interpretation. Come up with two other explanations, and wait an hour before responding. Try not to fix the feeling by repeatedly asking "are we okay?" or rereading old messages. That brings quick relief, but it tends to keep the alarm on a hair trigger.